


Useless

by The_Irish_Kiwi



Category: South Park
Genre: Craig throws shade, F/M, M/M, he's shady
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-19
Updated: 2017-12-19
Packaged: 2019-02-17 00:08:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13065039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Irish_Kiwi/pseuds/The_Irish_Kiwi
Summary: Useless Homos try to help Useless (probably) Heteros."Useless Heterosexuals."“What was that?”“Juiceless bidirectional.”----------------------------“Useless Heterosexuals..”“What?”“Boneless Staturization.”





	Useless

“So… you didn’t make a move?” Craig asked, pinching the bridge of his nose. Anxiously walking around him as he sat on the couch, Clyde shook his head.

“No. I just, I couldn’t do it.” The other guy admitted, before sitting himself down on one of the chairs in Craig and Tweek’s house. Tweek, thank god, was out. Who knew what he would tell her if he overheard? Clyde wouldn’t be able to bear it if she found out about his problem- he wanted to bone her, but like no bone her. He wanted more than that, more than the friendship they had.

“Useless Heterosexuals…” Craig muttered, and upon hearing Craig’s voice, Clyde raised his eyebrows.

“What was that?”

“Juiceless bidirectional.” Craig replied a bit lower, leaning back on his couch, watching as Clyde’s face twisted in confusion, eyebrows furrowing as he screwed up his face.

“Wha-”

“Honestly, nevermind. So she came over, and slept in your bed, asked you to put your feet on hers… and you didn’t make a move? Why not?” Craig was over this already, but Clyde was his best friend, and he would use whatever communication skills he had to get him through this.

“I kept thinking about.. You know what happens afterwards, and I got scared. You know, what if that’s all it would’ve been to her? What if I wanna marry her, or-”  
  
“Woah, woah, woah, woah.” Craig held up a hand to stop him right there, blue eyes narrowing in on his friend. Clyde rubbed at the back of his head, red staining his cheeks, as he grasped lightly at his hair.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I mean, I asked him to put his feet on me. He didn’t make a move Tweek! I was waiting for it, but he just… rolled over and went to sleep.” Blonde haired, brown eyed beautiful Bebe Stevens ranted to Tweek as she paced in front of him, as the other blond haired, brown eyed individual took it all it.

“What- ngh, what do you mean he just-” The guy went to ask, before Bebe cut him off.

“Rolled over, left me feeling like an idiot. I wore one of his shirts for crying out loud, and I felt sexy. Does he just not want me?” She looked at Tweek dejectedly pulling her bottom lip into her hand. As he took a sip of his coffee, Tweek mumbled out a “Maybe he’s gay?” It was a rhetorical question of course, but it still got a laugh from the unhappy friend in front of him.

“I don’t know, it’s just so complicated.” She sat herself down on the window sill, rubbing her hands down her face. Tweek took another sip of coffee.

“Why don’t you talk to him? What’s the worst that could happen?”

“He could fucking hear me, and blow me off Tweek. I’d rather have my friend than not have him around me at all.”

“Useless Heterosexuals..” Tweek muttered around his coffee, and Bebe strained to hear him.

“What?”

“Boneless Staturization.” The blond said, drinking more coffee as Bebe brushed the comment off with a confused look, as she mouthed ‘What the fuck?’

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I thought you just wanted to bone her?” Craig’s blue eyes stared intently, as his statement turned into a question, his voice going higher as he finished his sentence. Clyde bit the inside of his cheek, and sighed, flopping to lie down on Craig’s other couch instead.

“No. Bebe’s different, I thought I just wanted to screw but… She’s more than just some hot girl. She was one of the hottest girls in school, and even back then, I didn’t just want to screw her. I wanted to date her. I took every opportunity she gave me because of that, and you guys made fun of me.” Craig rolled his eyes, running his hand through his black hair.

“Yeah because you were whipped by a girl who rarely gave you the time of day. It was like watching a yo-yo, or a retarded puppy not getting the hint.” Craig himself turned on his back, grabbing the bouncy ball from the coffee table and playing catch with himself. “You gave her affection all throughout school, and that’s what she was craving. You got her shoes, and she humoured you.” Clyde sank into the other couch, sighing loudly. Before he could speak, Craig spoke up again. “But, and this is important. She’s matured now, she’s decent now. She's proven she cares about you now, been a good friend of yours for ten years. Still a bitch, but still.”

“Don’t call her a bitch, please, she's not that bad.”

“Whipped. Anyway, Bebe’s not 16 anymore, you’re not 16 anymore. She’s not going to use you and be done with it. God ask Tweek about her, he’ll tell you all the good stuff you need to know. You just gotta put yourself out there if you want it to happen. I don’t think she’ll reject you again, because she didn’t even reject you at 16, you ran away crying.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“He literally ran away from you crying because Nichole let it slip that he liked you. I don’t think he’s entirely uninterested, even like ten years later.” Tweek said, continuing from what he’d started saying to Bebe before he’d taken a sip of his coffee.

“He was always scared of you rejected him, and sure you used him in the past, but you made up for that. If he doesn’t go to Craig when he’s upset, he goes to you. Clearly he trusts you-”

“Yes, I know, i’m one of his best friends, I’ve heard that so many times this side of Junior year. It’s like i’m-”

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I’m afraid of that little space that nice guys online call the friend zone, because it hurts Craig. Like I remember you every time you and Tweek broke up over a fight, and you were miserable. Imagine me like that.. That’s terri-”

“Shut the fuck up.” Both blinked at each other. “I didn’t mean to say that. Yes I did. Anyway, just… she’s house sitting to feed Stripe while me and Tweek go to Denver for three days. Talk to her.”

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Just.. talk to him. He’s a sensitive guy, the biggest pussy.” Bebe blinked at Tweek, as the other stood. “I gotta go get food for Stripe.” She waved bye to him as he left. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU DIRTY, DIRTY, HEATHEN, HETEROS!” Craig yelled as Tweek covered his eyes, screeching at the sight of Bebe and Clyde scurrying apart, pants more askew than anything else, and Clyde turning himself around for a moment, as Bebe cleared her throat.

“Welcome home?”

“Get the fuck out of my house. Both of you, disgusting heathens.” Craig opened the door back up again pointing to it, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “When I said talk to her, I didn’t mean FUCK ON MY TABLE!” His voice rose higher than it should’ve in his anger.

Bebe rushed out first mumbling her apologies, Clyde following close behind getting a whack on his head, causing him to cry out in pain momentarily before the door was slammed behind him.

“I hate them both, they’re not allowed in my house ever again.” “

Your house?” Tweek asked, eyebrows raised as he smirked, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Our house. Now there’s fucking hetero on my goddamn table.” Tweek burst into laughter, walking away. “You’re such a dork. I love you.” Craig rolled his eyes, almost touching the table before muttering, “On my homosexual table… how fucking dare they… in this good Christian house..”

"We've done worse!" Tweek reminded him from the kitchen. "Yeah, but it was gay, that was better." 

"At least they've stopped being useless." 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“So… you want some pancakes or something?” Bebe asked, pointing to her car, the invitation almost clear.

Clyde chuckled. “Alright, I’m always down to eat.”

**Author's Note:**

> I watched the movie Just Friends, and honestly when one woman said "Maybe he's gay?" With that look on her face, this just spawned.


End file.
